Asuka chan in Wonderland
by Silverlilies
Summary: When Asuka is thrown into Wonderland, what kind of havoc will she wreck on it's citizens? Revised first chapter
1. Down the Bunny Hole

Disclaimer: You know the drill. I don't own Evangelion, that's Gainax. I don't own Alice in Wonderland either, that's Lewis Carroll.

"SHINJI YOU IDIOT!"

**Asuka-chan in Wonderland**

**Chapter 1: Down the Bunny Hole**

"This is entirely your fault!" Everyone's favorite red-head pilot glared at the teenage boy before her. "If you had gotten a better grade on your high school exams, we wouldn't be sent to this stupid tutor!"

"Sorry, sorry." Shinji replied, trying in vain to discover an escape route from the German girl's fury. Seeing as they were in a cramped car, there was no way to avoid the Second Child's wrath.

Misato grinned mischievously as she listened to the commotion in the back seat of the car. _Perfect! Everything's going according to plan. I'll get those two out of the way, and I'll finally get some peace around the apartment. Drinking party time! _ Outwardly, she cheerfully said, "Come now! This will be fun. Besides Asuka, you did just as horribly as Shinji on the exams!"

Shinji sighed in relief as the burnt of Asuka's anger was turned onto Misato. The rest of the journey passed in peace, well relative peace, among the Katsuragi household. Of course, we all know this peace includes Shinji's cowering, Asuka's screaming, and Misato being, well, Misato.

"Good afternoon!" A tall blonde haired woman with a heavy British accent greeted as they pulled into the driveway of her tall, Victorian mansion. To be more specific, she had a parasol, a white dog, and an English style blue dress with lots of white lace. "I am to be your tutor, and I'm looking forward to getting to meet the two of you." Quietly, her kind tone disappeared and she snapped coldly to Misato "I thought I explained quite clearly in my advertisement that I didn't take adolescent, hormonal teenagers! I only take cute, pre-pubescent children!"

"Relax! They're fine kids! Besides, I'm a government official!" Misato retorted.

The tutor lady, whom I will hence force dub, Jane, quickly pasted a sugary smile onto her face and beckoned imperiously to Asuka and Shinji. "Come this way younglings."

Misato waved cheerily and said her farewells. The moment her car disappeared, Jane turned to Asuka. "You, girl. Go into that maze and find yourself something useful to do!" She pointed to a happy looking maze that apparently materialized out of nowhere. "As for you," She looked at Shinji. "I have some chores I need to have finished!"

"FINE!" Asuka screamed and stomped off into the Maze of Doom. "Stupid British woman!"

Upon entering the maze, Asuka was promptly lost. Steam could be seen coming out of her ears. After wandering around in circles for half an hour, she was thoroughly bored. Then, she saw someone. Rei. Now, Rei was dressed quite, peculiarly. She was wearing a two piece bunny suit, along with knee high boots, fishnet stockings, and bunny ears. In her hand, she held an old fashioned watch, and she was muttering in her perfect monotone, "I'm late. I'm late. I'm very late." (Note: Watch the fan boys get nosebleeds from this! ;)

"What the hell is Wondergirl doing in that getup!" Asuka exclaimed, her anger forgotten, giving away to another emotion…curiosity.

So Asuka followed bunny girl Rei through the maze, and was just in time to see the First Child disappear through a hole in the maze walls. "Well, this has got to be one of the stupidest things I've ever done." She told herself and crawled through the hole.

To her surprise, there was nothing on the other side, and she fell straight down. "DAMN THAT DOLL!" She screamed as she plummeted down.

After falling down for a long time and getting really bored, she finally touched ground, feeling like every inch of her was bruised. Cursing the fact that she had chosen to wear a white and blue dress that day, she got up and walked towards a passageway she saw in the semi-darkness. The passageway led to a large chamber that was filled with light. Every last inch of the wall was covered with doors. Asuka checked all the doors, but one particular door caught her interest. It was a small door, behind thick, violet, velvety curtains. Unfortunately, it was locked. Looking around, she found a glass table that she could swear wasn't there before. On it was a small golden key. The key fit perfectly in the door, and looking inside, Asuka saw a really pretty garden. "Wow! That's such a pretty place. I wouldn't mind spending the rest of this damn day there!"

Then the light bulb blinked on. "This door is too small for me to crawl through! Shit!" Asuka cried, following up with several German swear words.

Suddenly, on the table, a bottle of juice appeared. On it a tab hung that said 'Drink Me.' Asuka looked at it suspiciously. "Oh well, the worse it could do is kill me." Upon saying this, she took out the stopper and swallowed the whole bottle. Suddenly, she found that everything had turned to giants. "Drat! What happened? Oh well, I'm the right size for the door now, so who cares."

Asuka ran to the door, but it was locked and the key was back on the table. Now, knowing our one and only Asuka Langley Soryu, she was extremely peeved. Her anger went up another notch, and it was all she could do not to break everything in the room. Without warning, a small box appeared on the floor next to her. It was very ornate, and on it were the words 'Eat Me.' Having nothing better to do, Asuka ate one, and finding it very tasty, finished off the box.

To Be Continued…

Author's Note: Okay, new and revised version of the first chapter. Sorry for the complete lack of updates, but school's been really busy, and I moved too.


	2. Lake of Tears

"DAMN IT ALL!!!"

**Asuka-chan in Wonderland**

**Chapter 2: Lake of Tears**

Asuka screamed as she began to grow larger. "I'm really starting to despise this damn thing!"

Fortunately, she soon stopped growing. However, she was about ten times her average size, and her head was getting really cramped from having so little room to fit in. Trying to recall what her teacher said from her anger management class Misato forced her to take, Asuka took a deep breath. It did very little to sooth her fury. She tried to count to ten. It didn't work. Feeling very frustrated, she was about to squash the little glass table and everything on it when something flew under her nose. It was a bee. Suddenly, Asuka began to sneeze violently. "DAMN! I'm allergic to bees. Achoo!"

The dumb bee didn't go away for ten minutes, but Asuka could do little about it. Her allergies extended to squeezing a ton of tears from her eyes. Soon, a miniature lake had formed around her feet. It was about six inches deep. Finally, the fit eased up a little. Taking advantage of the lull, Asuka quickly caught the bee. Grinning evilly, she pulled off its wings and squashed it. Throwing it away behind her, she saw someone running at her feet. It was none other than bunny-girl Rei.

Now, Rei had in one hand a pair of gloves. In the other, she held a huge Japanese style fan. Asuka cursed under her breath, and then shouted, "Hey, Wondergirl! What the hell do you think you're doing anyways?!"

Rei coolly turned her head and looked at her. She then said in her flat voice, "Oh, the Duchess, the Duchess, won't he be upset if I keep him waiting."

Asuka was confused by her words, but quickly regained herself. About to retort angrily, she was a bit disoriented when Rei began to hop away. "Hey! Aren't you going to help me out of this mess doll?!"

Rei turned again and threw her big fan at Asuka. Catching it, Asuka was about to ask if the doll was insulting her, but discovered that the First Child was no longer there. Shrugging, she began to fan herself. To her intense surprise, she was suddenly shrinking at a rapid rate. As the ground quickly approached, she pinpointed the problem to the fan and dropped it. Not an instance too soon, as she was barely four inches tall. Asuka found herself submerged in water, and realized that she was in the lake of tears. Cursing the damn bee soundly in German, she fought her way to the surface. She swam about for awhile, and soon encountered a penguin. Namely, the penguin called Pen-Pen. "Pen-Pen, what are you doing here?!" Asuka exclaimed not really expecting the penguin to answer.

To her dismay, the penguin answered quite clearly, "Swimming."

Asuka asked, curious, "Why?"

"Because if I didn't I'd drown." Pen-Pen replied in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Shouldn't you be in Misato's house?"

"It was too boring. Besides, she's in there with Kaji right now."

"WHAT?! SO THAT'S WHY SHE WAS SO READY TO SEND US TO THAT TUTOR, THE BITCH!" Asuka ranted.

"Whatever." Pen-Pen replied as he swam away.

Asuka looked at his disappearing form for a moment, and then continued to swim toward what she hoped was the shoreline. She didn't think she was in the large hall of doors anymore. "Ah well. Who gives a shit about that stupid little door and that dumb garden anyways?" She reached the shore and set about drying herself. She looked up and found an odd assortment of people arranged in front of her.

To Be Continued…

Author's Note: How was it? It wasn't as funny as my DL Chronicles in a Nutshell, not as serious as Rain, nor was it very long. Forgive me, but I didn't have a whole lot of time to type this up. Yes, I meant for the Duchess to be a he. I plan on having the Evangelion cast play the characters of Alice in Wonderland. Rei is just the beginning. Don't worry, Shinji will come in soon enough. Sorry about taking so long to update, but I was buried under my piles of work and other fics. Three more reviews continue the story! Not to be mean or anything, I just don't want to waste my time. Please R&R!


	3. The Cactus Dance and a Short Tale

**Asuka-chan in Wonderland**

**Chapter 3: The Cactus Dance and a Short Tale**

Asuka blinked. She blinked again. And again. And another time. Her mind simply refused to register exactly what was going on in front of her. Maya Ibuki, Shigeru Aoba, and Makoto Hyuga stood in front of her. Of course, they didn't look like the bridge bunnies from NERV. They were dressed like birds. Asuka stared at them for what seemed to be forever. Maya was dressed in a leotard with goose feathers hanging off it. She even had a pair of makeshift wings. Shigeru was wearing a god knows what costume, though it looked like the extinct dodo bird that Asuka vaguely recalled from a museum visit Misato dragged them to. They could barely get out through the mob of men attracted by Misato's incredibly short shorts and low neck shirt. Makoto was dressed like an eagle, with fake beaks and everything. Curious, Asuka leaned in and listened to what they were debating.

"We should use this blow dryer!" Shigeru argued, holding up a blow dryer that Asuka was sure wasn't there a second ago.

"Nonsense, we don't have an electricity plug!" Makoto retorted.

"Please stop fighting! Hey, I know, let's dance around this cactus; we'll be dry in no time!" Maya told the other two.

"Excellent idea, if I do say so myself." Pen-Pen told her as he stepped onto the beach out of nowhere.

"Where the hell did you come from!" Asuka exclaimed. No one else on the beach was surprised, and all three bridge bunnies shook hands with the penguin and exchanged pleasantries.

"Elementary, my dear, I stepped out of thin air and appeared like a ghost, maybe a poltergeist." Pen-Pen replied in the voice of some decrepit old professor.

"Let's begin the cactus race!" The bridge bunnies chanted with one voice.

Before Asuka was quite aware of what she was doing, she was dragged into a circle with the other four (counting Pen-Pen). They began to dance around a lone cactus that suddenly popped up from the sandy floor. (If you have trouble envisioning this, think of a traditional Native American dance where they holler and yell, and paint themselves. Or maybe one of those Japanese dances where they circle around something and there's a taiko drum in the background) The dancing wasn't the least of it. Soon, the bridge bunnies and a certain penguin began a Gregorian chant. They chanted 'Evangelion' over, and over, and over. (Think of Escaflowne and the music in the background where they chant 'Escaflowne' over, and over, and over again. This time, plug the word 'Evangelion' in) For what seemed like an eternity, Asuka was pulled along with their mad dance. Finally, after maybe a century or so, they came to a sudden stop. It was so unexpected that Asuka promptly collapsed onto the beach. Gasping for breath she began shrieking insult at all four of the lunatics gathered in front of her. "DAMN YOU! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING! HAVE YOU ALL GONE MAD! WHAT THE FCK WERE YOU DOING!"

As she paused for a breath the crew in front of her shrugged. "Maybe the cactus dance wasn't to her taste." Maya suggested.

"Maybe she doesn't like the 'Evangelion' chant." Makoto mused thoughtfully.

"I've got an idea!" Pen-Pen brightened. "Let's have a cat dance instead."

"YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAH!" The bridge bunnies chorused.

A cat suddenly popped up where the cactus had been only moments before. As Asuka prepared to launch into another tirade, she was pulled into another dance. This time, they chanted 'Shinji' over and over and over again. After that, there was a cotton dance, and then a cone dance, and a camera dance, and the…Well, you get the idea. There were A LOT of dances. After a really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really long time, they stopped. By this time, Asuka was, well, as dizzy as anyone who had danced in a circle for about 500 quadrillion times. (A quadrillion is equal to about 1,000,000,000,000,000, so Asuka danced in a circle for about 500,000,000,000,000,000 times. If that's too long, one quadrillion is equal to 1x10 to the15th power. So then 500 quadrillion would equal 5x10 to the 17th power. Confused yet? Ha ha. ;)

Now, Asuka had reached her breaking point. About to send the bridge bunnies and that god forsaken annoying little penguin to hell, she was foiled once again.

"I wish to tell you guys a story, because I'm such a nice guy." Pen-Pen told them. "Once, long long ago, there was a super hero called, PenPenguin! He was brave, he was fearless, and he had style. He saved the world and all kinds of beautiful women. He was loved by all. Ah, I still remember the days…" His voice trailed off dreamily.

That snapped Asuka's last nerve. She reached down and prayed for the gods to give her a weapon to shut these idiots up. (I think Lucifer replied, after all, Jesus swore off the whole 'violence is the answer' thing) Her hand found a very big rock. It was perfect. Tears sprung to the Second Child's eyes as she grabbed it and crushed Pen-Pen with it. (Poor Pen-Pen! T-T) Soon, she found more boulder and buried Maya, Shigeru, and Makoto with them. All the while, she laughed maniacally. "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAA! I WILL CRUSH YOU ONCE AND FOR ALL!" She roared.

After raging and storming for about a couple of hours, Asuka grew quiet. "I crushed them." She muttered somberly. "I crushed them; I crushed them, LIKE THE LITTLE INSECTS THEY ARE! MWAHAHAHA!"

Her rage satisfied, she walked off, humming the "Valkyries" as she went. (In case you weren't aware, the Valkyries is a very famous opera by Richard Wagner about Vikings, I think. It makes you wanna kill something. It's all dark, and powerful, with lotsa drumbeats. Very inspirational.)

To Be Continued…

Author's note: Yes, I mean for a man to be cross dressing as the 'Duchess.' I won't tell you which though! ;) I've been listening to a lot of Richard Wagner, as the orchestra I'm in will soon perform one of his pieces, "Die Meistersingers." "Die WalkÜres" or the Valkyries is also fun. I really like The Flying Dutchman, which really calls the picture of a ship battling the savage sea to mind. Sorry about all the opera discussion. I made the chapter a page longer than the last one. The actual chapter in the book (I got it from my aunt a couple of Christmases ago) is really short, only about five pages. Hope to update soon, please read and review! I'm aiming for five this time, no pressure. :)


	4. Bunny sends in a little Mill

**Asuka-chan in Wonderland**

Chapter 4: Bunny sends in a little Mill

Asuka walked about for a bit, then discovered to her shock Rei. Rei was mumbling something in a flat voice. As she got closer, Asuka could barely make her words out. It went something like this. "The Duchess. The Duchess. Oh my dear hands. Oh my cheeks and mascara. He'll have me punished, as sure as LCL is LCL. Why did I throw them to that giant? I wonder."

If you have trouble picturing Rei worrying about something, or wondering about something, have no fear. You're not stupid. I'm in the same boat, and I'm the author. Says a lot about my intelligence level, eh? Asuka had only one retort. "Wondergirl, do you have any idea how out of character that sounds!"

Rei slowly turned to face Asuka. The German girl suddenly found she didn't like the look on the First Child's face. She took a step back uncertainly. Something was very wrong here. "Marian, what are you doing here?" The albino abruptly said. Asuka had the impression that she was acting in front of a huge audience. "Run home this instant and find me a pair of black leather gloves and a riding crop, as well as a big Japanese fan. Quickly, or I won't have time to go to the annual Miss Dominatrix contest."

"What am I, your maid! And since when did you participate in dominatrix contests! Has the whole world gone insane! (No, but you are ;)" Even as she said this, the Second Child felt strange, as if some giant hand had plucked her up and moved her around. She somehow ended up in front of a very dolly looking house. There was a silver plate with 'Rei Bunny' engraved upon it. The whole place was painted pink, had hearts painted all over it. Lol. (A slight jest, a very bad one too, about the actual Rei's total lack of feminity) Heck, there was even a little red bow here and there. (For those with the philosophical soul, this could be an allusion to Asuka's feeling that she has to grow up to be strong. I wonder if I wrote this with a subtle message in mind. _Adopts pensive pose and appears to ponder it for a moment. _Nah!) Feeling 'gasp!' curious, Asuka got in, and sweatdropped. The inside a rat's nest of 'girly' crap, like dolls, and tea sets. Trying not to gag in disgust, the redhead picked her way through the junk. If she found the crap that doll told her to, she might be able to get out of here. She'll probably be taking orders from Pen-Pen next. Wait, she killed that goddamned penguin already.

Just then, she noticed a distinct change in the atmosphere and shivered. The room was beginning to change. The petal pink of the walls turned into black. All the dollies and crap turned into leather whips, gloves, leotards, garters, lingerie, (O.o Rei fan boys, consider this a tribute to you) and other…stuff. On a counter, Asuka saw a glass of some weird looking red stuff. She suddenly felt thirsty and gulped it all down. She gagged. The thing tasted like blood. A strange tingling spread through her body. She was suddenly growing, and it seemed her skin wouldn't fit for quite a few moments. Her arms grew larger than trees. Her head swelled up like a hot air balloon. (An allusion to Asuka's swelled ego. Head full of hot air, get it! Ha-ha. Erm _backs away slowly from the staring audience._) There wasn't any room left for her in the house. Her pinky felt especially squeezed. Asuka was forced to sit and wait the unexpected growth spurt out. Her anger meter, which had cooled to absolute zero, or close, began climbing at a steady rate. Soon, her arms and legs stuck out of the house. It was very uncomfortable. Then, she heard a certain girl's monotone outside. "Marian, Marian, I forgot to tell you to get me a leather bra. I should have a new one on my spare cage. Oh my. There's a monster in my house.

"Something wrong, Rei?" A new voice asked.

It was Kaji! Asuka's soul sang with joy. He wasn't with Misato after all. (Actually, he is, as you are in a wonderland right now. The key thing is that this is an alternated version of the real world. Misato and Kaji are probably… Well, I'm not going there, as this fic is only rated PG, and I'll keep it that way! ;)

"Yes. There is a horrible monstrous giant in my house. I think it's trying to steal my corset." The monotone replied. Asuka realized that the tight thing on her pinky was actually a lacy black corset. O.o. "Go and get it out Kaji you mill, or I'll be late to see the Duchess, and we all know how he'll react." The monotone continued.

Asuka managed to get her eye to a window. This was no small feat, considering that she was so cramped inside the house that there wasn't room to let through a mouse. To her intense shock, Kaji was dressed like, well, a mill. There was even one of those spinning things that you saw in the pictures of Scandinavia, or wherever all those mills are. "Alright, I'll climb down through the chimney and pull that monster out." Kaji assured the albino.

"I don't know. Isn't the monster a bit too big to pull out of the chimney?" Rei asked dubiously.

"Oh come on. It works in the movies." The big man said casually. He dropped what he was holding, which Asuka somehow managed to see was a watermelon. (Symbolism anyone?) Having by now figured out that food was what made her change size, she eagerly reached out and grabbed it with her car size hand. "Hey! That's mine!" Kaji yelled as he fruitlessly tried to retrieve the fruit. (Pun unintended)

It was a bit too late for that. Asuka quickly gulped down the watermelon whole and with the skin. (Don't try this at home kids!) She began shrinking at an alarming rate. In a matter of seconds, she was little more than 5 centimeters tall. "Hey!" The mini-Asuka piped. "What's the problem with this thrice cursed world!"

"Well, that problem's wrapped up." Rei calmly entered her house and took stock of the damage with a single sweep of her eye. The place looked like a cyclone had hit it. Lingerie and riding crops were everywhere. "I'll clean this up later." Ayanami said to herself as she picked out a pair of gloves and a riding crop in the mess (No small feat) and left the room.

"Well, she didn't even notice me." Asuka wondered to herself. Then again, she shouldn't be surprised. She was the height of a mouse. She quickly got up and brushed off her dress. She then scrambled out of the house. Luckily, Rei hadn't had time to close the front door, seeing as that would make her late to see her precious "Duchess." Kaji was nowhere to be found unfortunately. Cursing the day, Asuka set off towards a tall forest of strange trees. Wait, they were grass, which now looked very large to mini-Asuka. Then, she came to a mushroom. On the mushroom sprawled a very familiar person dressed like a millipede.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE!"

To Be Continued…

Note: Heh heh, left you at a cliffhanger eh? I already figured out who the millipede will be, but feel free to guess. It's a bit short this chapter, but I've got a report on virus and bacteria DNA to type. TT. The allusion to Marian, like Maid Marian from Robin Hood is a nod to Asuka's masculinity. Marian was a warrior-woman after all. Please leave some thoughts of the story, and bear with me! The next chapter will be titled "Advice from a Millipede." Thank you and review!


	5. Advice from a Millipede

Nicholas Bledsoe & Nicknack: You're both wrong. How could a stooge be the millipede! They are never apart. Besides, I have…other plans for them.

NefCanuck: Why yes, Rei as a leather fetishist does seem wrong. But it's my story and I get to do what I want.

Lunatic9000: Are you psychic! I congratulate you. If I could, I would give you a reward, but can't.

**Asuka-chan in Wonderland: Advice from a Millipede**

Asuka stared at the millipede. The millipede stared at Asuka. (Jump to five hours later…) Asuka stared at the millipede. The millipede stared at Asuka. Then, the millipede took the beer can out of her mouth and told Asuka in a drunken voice, "Woo ar 'hic' uuuu?"

Not exactly the ideal ice breaker. Asuka stared some more. "WHAT THE FRICKIN SHIT ARE YOU DOING HERE!"

"Waaa ar 'hic' u tolkin bout? 'hic'" Misato hiccupped some more and drank more beer. "Aaaa. Thash the stufsh."

Asuka glared at her in disgust. "Well excuse me, miss 'I'm so drunk I can't get off my lazy fat ass!'"

Misato immediately sobered. (Hey, this is a wonderland people!) "Hey, watch who you call fat, girlie!"

Asuka made a face. She was beginning to accept that this place was some sort of deranged mental institute la-la-land. No one seemed to recognize her. "So, why are you dressed in that crazy bug suit?"

Misato raised herself haughtily. "I am most certainly not crazy! I'm just a unique woman." She indignantly took a long swig of her beer. "And who are you? Normal humans aren't five centimeters tall. Are you some sort of dwarf?"

Asuka twitched. The veins on her forehead began to pop. The flames of hell rose in the background. Misato merely glanced at her coolly and advised, "Keep your temper."

By now, you should realize that Asuka isn't the sort to accept criticism with good sportsmanship. In fact, she accepts it with very bad sportsmanship. So bad, that not even a crazy psychotic killer would criticize her. So, it all looked very bleak for our favorite NERV major. But because I'm the insane writer, Misato is going to live…for now.

"Recite the poem 'You are old Commander Fuyutsuki.'"

Feeling a bit weird, Asuka found her mouth had a mind of its own. It began reciting:

"You are old, Commander Fuyutsuki, the First Child said  
And your hair is an ugly gray,  
Yet you always stand on your head  
Don't others think it's a sight?

In my youth, Commander Fuyutsuki said to the pilot,  
I feared it might damage my hair;  
But now that it's all falling out anyways  
I think it does not matter.

You are old, the Second Child said, as Rei mentioned before  
And have grown quite skinny  
But you do yoga in front of the door  
What kind of fool does that?

In my youth, the vice-commander shook his balding head  
I did national gymnastics  
And using this magic potion, a hundred yen a box,  
That tastes like rotten apples.

You are old, said the Third Child, and your teeth are brown  
And you never brush them, day in and day out.  
Yet you drink black coffee three times a day  
Do you think your teeth will ever recover?

In my youth, the old dude said, I was a professor  
And the height of fashion was coffee.  
The obsession I have with it is so great  
I drink it every hour.

You are old, said the Fourth Child, no one would think  
That your eyes are so slanted.  
But you juggled S2 engines with only your nose  
How did you manage that?

I have listened to three children, and that's enough  
The grizzled commander said  
An angel's attacking, get in your EVA  
Or I'll toss you out of NERV forever!

Asuka gaped. How did she know all that? She looked at Misato for answers, but found that instead of Misato, a giant chrysalis took the place of Misato-Millipede. Suddenly, it burst open and out popped, you guessed it, Misato-butterfly. (I don't know if millipedes develop into butterflies, but let's just pretend they do for the story's sake) "One side will make you fatter, and the other will make you uglier." The butterfly said.

"WHAT!" Asuka screamed, her shock forgotten.

"Just kidding." Misato grinned and gave a big wink. "One side will make you grow taller, and the other will make you shorter."

"OF WHAT!'" The red-head screamed.

"Mushroom, duh!" With that, the major disappeared into the blue sky, never to be seen again, we hope.

Shrugging, Asuka pulled off two pieces of the mushroom the millipede had inhabited. She bit one piece, and found herself shrinking. Quickly, she ate a chunk of the other piece. Cursing Misato to the depth of the seventh hell, Asuka realized something was very wrong. She looked down. The trees were only half of her height. Then, a head popped out of the treetops. "Hey! I'm trying to finish my notes on the MAGI!" Naoko Akagi yelled, waving a thick wad of paper. "AAAAAAH! It's an Angel!" With that, she fainted, and fell off her tree perch, plummeting to her sad, unlamented death. Asuka sweatdropped. She took a lick of the piece that will make her smaller, and shrunk herself to regular size. Walking around a bit, she found a large fancy house. Bored, she walked up to the door. The sign read, 'The House of the Duchess.'

To Be Continued…

Author's note: WHO IS THE DUCHESS! Feel free to send in your guesses! Give me your thoughts on this too. How was 'You are Old Commander Fuyutsuki?' The rhythm was a bit off. I have a piece I'm working on for my violin teacher, and he wants me to play it at 90 beats a minute. That is really slow! I was forced to turn on my metronome and listen to it for an hour. It's playing even as I type this. Very annoying. As for Naoko (Ritsuko's mommy), well, let's pretend dead people can come back to life in Wonderland. Kinda pointless though, as she dies a few seconds later. The caterpillar doesn't turn into a butterfly in the book, but did in the movie. Please R&R!


	6. Pork and Sugar

Sydneyeliza: Where'd you get that idea! But you said you were joking, so that's okay, I guess…

Nightshade: Forgive me for not having enough rhythm! I'M SORRY, I DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE! I APOLOGIZE TO EVERYONE! I APOLOGIZE TO THE WORLD... (Ritsu Sohma mode ;) and your guess is so close yet so far.

James Hanson: Maya already debuted as one of the cactus dancers. Hikari is destined for another role. Continue to read and find out!

Lunatic9000: Right on! How do you get your information? You'll see the pig/baby and the Cheshire cat soon!

nicknack: Shinji, alas, will not show up for two chapters yet. Ritsuko will dream of the sea. Don't worry; you'll see Asuka in action soon.

God of Epyon: Thank you! I think I might revise the poem and post it up later.

Nicholas Bledsoe: You'll be simply _mad_ about the stooges when they appear. Despite having a 99.3 in my science class, I can be so _un_scientific. Weird, ne?

NefCanuck: The Queen's the one who says "Off with her head!" You outsmarted yourself here!

Thanks for all the reviews and continue to support this little story please!

**Asuka-chan in Wonderland Chapter 6: Pork and Sugar**

Asuka looked at the house, a bit unsure of what to do. Then she pulled herself together. "I'm the great Asuka Langley Soryu!" she proclaimed to the air next to her. "I'm not afraid of a dumb house!"

Suddenly, a footman appeared next to her. He was tall, slanted-eyed, balding gray hair, brown teeth, and looked awfully familiar. Then it suddenly clicked into place. It was Vice-Commander Fuyutsuki. Now, there was something seriously wrong with him. He had a frog, yes, a FROG on his head, wearing it like a hat or something. Then, he was practically wearing fish. A fish scarf, bracelet, etc. Well, you get the idea that he was looking pretty weird. (Cough. Idiot. Cough. Weirdo. Cough.) He suddenly proclaimed, "From the Queen of Hearts, and invitation for the Duchess to play golf!"

Then he walked to the door and sat down.

Choosing to ignore the poor fool, Asuka knocked the door.

"It's useless." The vice-commander said. "They're too busy in there to notice." Actually, a huge amount of noise came from inside the house. Howling, sneezing, and crashing were just a taste of what Asuka heard. Without warning, a large plate flew out the window and landed at the Second Child's feet. Feeling very frustrated, she took the plate and threw it at the Fuyutsuki-footman. It hit him hard in the head, but surprisingly, his head did not fall off. (O.o gotta teach me that technique some time). Irrationally infuriated, Asuka instead vented her anger on the door, which fell apart after the German girl gave it a few 'gentle' punches.

Feeling a little more sated, she walked in, realizing all the while that a very strange smell was in the air. It took her a few seconds to pinpoint the smell to a certain door. It had a bunny wearing Gendo Ikari's trademark glasses, in his trademark hands-over-mouth pose, sitting behind a desk, enough said. (No comment; lol) A small part of Asuka's mind told her that maybe, just _maybe,_ they should get going. She shushed that part immediately. She was Asuka Langley Soryu, and no one could frighten her! (Except maybe the commander, and that doll is freaky!) Squaring her shoulders, she opened the door.

The sight that greeted her nearly costed her sanity. Gendo Ikari sat on a rocking chair, holding what looked like a baby, but turned out to be really the embryo of Adam. (O.o How disturbing is that?) In the corner, Yui Ikari (Isn't that woman's soul in Eva Unit 01 you ask. Well, this is a fanfic, so she suddenly pops into a human form) was cooking. Asuka identified the source of the horrible smell as the cauldron she was stirring. It looked kinda like a potion, but resembled a cement mixture even more. The cause of the smell quickly became apparent. It was burnt sugar. That's right; Yui Ikari was dumping bags and bags of sugar into the mixture, all the while talking to a young man wearing kitty ears. Corrections, it was Kaworu Nagisa talking to Yui Ikari.

Asuka didn't trust that guy. He spent waaaaaay too much time with_ her _Shinji. Wait, did she just say Shinji was hers? Asuka decided her mind was rotting from all the time in the loony la-la land. The second reason was that when not stalking Shinji, this guy talked to Rei. What kind of freak does that for crying out loud! You got as much reaction from her as if you were talking to an eggplant. (Don't get mad at me for stating the truth. Rei is my favorite character. Rei Power! lol) and that annoying grin! Why does he grin so big! Doesn't it hurt is face!

"He's a Cheshire cat, that's why." Yui answered her thought without turning around.

Gendo looked up from the embryo of Adam. "If the world were rid of the ignorant, it would go much faster. Join us! Embrace the Instrumentality process, and look forward to Third Impact. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Yui spooned out a chunk of her concoction and hit Gendo with it. The commander immediately quieted. "Be a dear and take Adam, or would you like some of my stew?" She told Asuka.

Wordless for once, Asuka took the embryo and walked outside like a zombie. Once there, she shook her head angrily. "What did that witch do to me!"

Then, she felt something soft brush her arm. The embryo was growing wings! Gaping, Asuka could only look on and the membrane broke and out popped, a winged piggy! (sweat drop) The pig flew away. Asuka stood there for a few minutes. Then she shook her head. The first thing she would do when she got home is visit a psychiatrist. That's it. Walking blindly, she nearly stepped on Kaworu, who was lying on the ground with a big grin.

"Get out of my way!" Asuka yelled.

"Well, did Rei win the Miss Dominatrix contest?" Kaworu-cat said blithely, seeming unaware of Asuka's murderous intent.

"How the (insert bad word) would I know!" Asuka screamed, intensely frustrated.

"Where are you headed?" Kaworu-cat continued nonchalantly.

"God knows and god cares!" Asuka snapped, ready to pulverize his face.

"To the right is the mad Hatter, and to the left is the March Hare." Kaworu-cat said lazily, and then vanished.

Asuka spun around, looking for the 'Cheshire cat,' who had mysteriously vanished. A voice suddenly asked, "So, did Adam turn into a winged pig?"

"Yes…" Asuka replied suddenly unsure of herself. (Asuka? Unsure of herself? The world is coming to an end! Actually, it is in Evangelion)

"Just checking" The voice said cheerfully. "Have a nice day with mad people."

A bit confused, Asuka decided to ignore him and walked to the left. After a while, she saw the house of the March hare. It looked like a hare, with ear shaped chimneys and a wall covered with fur. "Well," Asuka promised herself savagely, "This could be _fun._"

To Be Continued…

Author's Note: Question of the chapter-Who will star as the March Hare? The Mad Hatter? Find out next time, on Asuka-chan in Wonderland! How was this chapter? We all know which role Shinji will be now. Yui is quite dominating actually. Please R&R!


	7. A Mad Tea Ceremony

To all my reviewers (since I'm too lazy to thank you one by one), domo arigato! Please continue to read and review this little comedy. –silverlilies

**Asuka-chan in Wonderland**

**Chapter 7: The Mad Tea Ceremony**

In front of the house, a large vermillion rug was laid on the grass. Kensuke, the military nerd, had bunny ears on like Rei except they were brown sat on one end. He was clad in an elaborate hare suit, all covered with hair (fur, actually; pun intended) and had his legs tucked underneath him. Across him on the huge rug sat Toji, with a western style tuxedo on. He had a tall hat with cards glued around it. They were both drinking green tea and had bento boxes set in front of them. On the middle of the blanket was Hikari, and she was curled into a ball. Asuka immediately noticed something strange. The class president had a pair of mouse ears and whiskers.

"Hey! There's no room for you!" Kensuke-Hare shouted irritably, flapping his fake ears.

"Don't be stupid! Hot chicks don't fall out of the sky like rain you know! Join us! Let's have some _fun_!" Toji-Hatter cried. He looked kind of drunk (don't ask me how you get drunk off tea; my only defense is that nothing makes sense in this land).

Just as she was about to punch the guy's brains out, Hikari-Dormouse woke up. "YOU PERVERT!" She screamed as she socked Toji in the face. Kensuke just stared at him sadly and continued sipping his tea. Uncertainly, Asuka walked over and looked at what seemed to be her best friend. Hikari just glared. "Don't try to steal him from me!" She hissed, suddenly pulling Toji toward her. "My preciousssssssssss"

Feeling slightly nauseous, Asuka turned away. "Don't feel bad," Kensuke advised her. "That's just their way of showing their great love for one another."

Asuka sweat dropped. _Lunatics, _she thought frantically, _they all belong in the loony bin!_

"Would you like some yakitori?" Kensuke offered, ignoring Toji and Hikari, who were crying and hugging. Asuka was sure there was a sunset behind them. She turned her head back to Kensuke, sickened by the spectacle. "I don't see any yakitori." She pointed out.

"That's because there isn't any. We have domburi, gommaae, gyoza, korokke, nikujaga, tempura, and udon. Would you like some?" Kensuke said. His voice sounded remarkably like Pen-Pens.

"Don't offer something you don't have!" Asuka snapped, pissed, her rage starting to turn her face red. Huge veins were sticking out of her head. Kensuke's eye twitched. He could see hell's flames behind her.

"Tea?" he offered pathetically. "We have gyokuro, sencha, bancha, houjicha, and kocha."

It didn't work. Asuka was on a war path now. "WHAT THE F-CK! YOU IMBECILES! MATCHA IS USED DURING A TEA CEREMONY! NOT GYOKURO, NOT SENCHA, NOT BANCHA, NOT HOUJICHA, AND DEFINITELY NOT KOCHA. THAT'S NOT EVEN JAPANESE!"

As Asuka stopped to catch her breath, Hikari took her eyes of Toji (they were staring at each other like lovesick adoles- wait, they were lovesick adolescents. My bad) and stuffed the Second Child's mouth with yakitori.

"So that's where the yakitori went." Kensuke muttered to himself.

Asuka shot Hikari a glance that screamed 'traitor' and probably would have killed the poor girl if looks could kill. (If they could, I'm sure I'd be dead by now ;)

As it was, the dormouse/girl sat down and continued staring sappily into Toji's eyes. Swallowing the yakitori, which Asuka found to be surprisingly good, Toji suddenly spoke.

"Why is a crow like a drawing board?"

"Who cares!" Asuka whined, upset with Hikari's 'betrayal.'

"Fine, what time is it?" He tried.

"Who gives a F- - k!"

Kensuke took out a watch. "Hm, my watch died."

Hikari and Toji both jumped up. "Let's fix it!" They chorused.

Asuka winced. If they were pilot and EVA, their syncoration would be at 101 percent. (Had to write the percent out. The percent sign seems to get canceled when I upload something.)

She watched in horrid fascination as they pried the watch open. They lathered the contents of the bento boxes into the watch, and somehow it all fit. (For a cultural explanation on all the foods, it's at the end of the chapter) When the closed the watch, it went berserk and exploded, splattering Asuka with the mush of what was once food.

At that moment, Asuka didn't care that killing these freaks was going to send her to the devil's den. About to strangle them with her bare hands (an End of Evangelion reference, for those of you who've seen it), she was thwarted yet again.

Hikari sang a song like this:

"Twinkle Winkle little mat,

How I ponder where you're at

Up above the fools you fly

Like a yakitori in the sky

Twinkle Winkle—"

Here, she was cut off, as all her audience were about to fall asleep. "Well," She huffed, "If you don't have the wits to appreciate my song, then I'll tell a story." It went:

"Once upon another land, there lived three children.

The first was quiet and freaky (all part of her charm)

The second was loud and obnoxious (you can here Asuka's indignant 'hey!')

The third was whiny and spineless (agreed)

The fourth was dashing, handsome, gentle- "GET ON WITH IT!" Asuka yelled

The fifth was a smartass and kind

Then one day, a big bad monster came. They killed the monster and lived happily ever after. The end."

Everyone yawned. Asuka got up. It was time. Everyone suddenly backed away from her, frightened by her killer aura. "That was the last straw." She whispered.

The view zooms to the sky and we hear screams of pain and cries of 'uncle!'

Asuka walked away slowly, one of the bento boxes that remained tucked securely under her arm. She had a bubbly, cheerful air about her. She noticed that one of the trees had a door carved in it. Happily, she went through the door and returned to the hall of doors. She used her mushroom to shrink herself and managed to get into that pretty little garden. If anyone backtracked, they would find an incredible scene of carnage at the house of the March Hare and many groans of pain. Asuka had finally reached nirvana, as she meditated happily in the garden.

To Be Continued…

Cultural notes: yakitori: skewered grilled chicken with sauce

Gyokuro, sencha, bancha: common green tea made of dried tea leaves. Gyokuro is the highest quality, and bancha is the lowest.

Houjicha: common green tea made from roasted leaves (brown)

Kocha: English tea

Matcha: bitter green tea, made from tea leaf powder. Traditionally used in the tea ceremony

Domburi: bowl of cooked rice with toppings

Gommaae: side dish, usually with sesame and a vegetable

Gyoza: Chinese dish (I can make it!) of meat and other filling wrapped with dough and cooked

Korokke: croquettes

Nikujaga: meat and potatoes

Tempura: sea food and other stuff deep fried in tempura batter

Udon: thick noodles

This is all from my research for a technology project where I used a computer to create a menu. I made up a Japanese restaurant called Sakura Niwa (Cherry Blossom Garden) and made a menu for it. I still have the research typed up. Lol

Author's Note: Well, this chapter is definitely more cultural. My voice is heard less. Not a lot of graphic violence. Not my prob. Look carefully, this fic is a Humor/Parody fic, not a horror/action. Asuka is steadily becoming more OOC, but who gives? Next is the chapter you've all been waiting for, the QUEEN'S GOLF COURSE. What insanity will ensue? Find out next time, on ASUKA-CHAN IN WONDERLAND. Sorry, just had to capitalize that. Lol. R&R!


	8. The Queen's Golf Course

Hi! Well, it's almost been two months since I last updated anything. Wow, I'm pathetic. But don't blame me! I only had a ton of projects, tests, and exams. Where would I find time to write fics? Well, I'm back now, for any of you who cared, and you can finally sigh in relief that my rant is over. Enjoy!

**Asuka-chan in Wonderland**

**Chapter 8: The Queen's Golf Course**

It seemed that some divine force was enjoying the spectacle of Asuka blowing her top. (Not literally, you perverted fan-boys). Here she was, attempting to take a nap after all she'd been through, and instead she's faced with three things that were supposed to be dead. There was Sachiel (3rd Angel), Shamshell (4th Angel; don't know if the name is spelled right) and Ramiel (5th Angel; yes, that diamond thingie; just envision that he grew arms and was floating around everywhere) running around with buckets of LCL. Their conversation went something like this:

Ramiel: Sachiel, don't you dare drop any of that LCL! We have eighteen humans left to create!

Sachiel (crying pitifully): I'm so sorry for dropping you mother! (Reference to those of you who know what LCL really is)

Shamshell: Shut up and get working! The Queen will have our heads if we don't finish this load of humans.

Ramiel: Oh crap! We were supposed to make them with red hair!

Sachiel: I have some red paint! Let's just paint their hair!

(The three Angels paint the humans' hair red)

Asuka wandered over, curious. The Angels were downsized and creating humans. "Can I help?" she asked eagerly.

The Angels suddenly stopped and looked at her. Asuka took a step back uncertainly. Then her famous pride stepped in. She glared back until all three Angels took a step back and began muttering about her helping herself. So our one and only Asuka Langley Soryu began to paint human hair red while the Angels created more humans from LCL (use your imagination people).

Suddenly, fanfare began playing. Then, from a weird arch with cross-shaped leaves and flowers entwined around it, Angels marched out. Asuka couldn't help but gape. There they all were! Then Rei-bunny came out. (Yes! She's finally back! Everyone missed her didn't they!) She was dressed in leather thongs (lol) and had a whip that she was hitting the Angels with when they didn't move fast enough. In her other hand, she held a trophy that declared her the Grand Prize winner of the Annual Miss Dominatrix Contest. (O.o I would make a killing if I hosted a contest like that…) She announced "Welcome the King and Queen of Hearts!"

Then THEY came. Asuka felt her jaw hit the ground. She didn't even notice the three Angels flop (yes, flop) onto the ground facedown. She didn't notice Kaworu-cat coming out of nowhere with a cat-like grin to congratulate Rei-bunny for winning the contest then disappearing. She didn't notice the procession come to a halt. All she saw was the two seated in the carriage pulled by a shrunk EVA Unit 01.

Breathe.

Prepare yourself.

Warning: may cause extreme shock.

Last chance to turn back…

K, you asked for this.

The Queen gazed coolly at the Angels, ignoring Asuka completely. (HAH! Thought I was going to reveal their identities didn't you! ;P) Then he turned his head to look at Asuka. "Who is this?" he asked the King.

The King smiled and bowed, but said nothing. "IDIOTS! ALL OF YOU!" then he turned and gazed at Asuka again. "What's your name?"

"IT'S ASUKA YOU DOLT!" Asuka retorted, feeling very hurt and sorry for herself. What is with these fools in this nightmare land?

"INSOLENCE! OFF WITH HER HEAD!" the Queen shouted, turning his glare on everyone around. Unfortunately, no one was around, most having run away by now. Rei was sitting down with the King of Hearts, playing strip poker. Shrugging, he turned to the Angels, shutting Asuka out again.

"What were you doing?" He asked, almost nicely, almost like his usual self. The Angels all jumped up. "Doing our duty sir, uh, ma'am." They replied in unison.

The Queen began counting the humans laid out on the ground. Then he looked up. "There are 56 humans, excellent." Just as he was about to walk away, he was something very interesting. The hair of one of the humans was wet. (Angels in background getting fidgety) He bent down and touched the hair. It came off wet with red paint. The Queen suddenly did an Asuka imitation so convincing that Asuka herself leapt back in fear.

"OFF WITH THEIR HEADS! THEY USED RED PAINT ON THESE HUMANS!" The Queen screamed. Sachiel, Shamshell, and Ramiel were dragged away crying (don't know how, don't know why, don't want to ask).

Then he turned to face Asuka. "Can you play golf?" He inquired, seeming to forget all his former anger.

"Of course! The Great Asuka will surely kick your ass at the game, you girly man!" She stated proudly.

"Come on then!" The Queen beckoned.

Asuka followed, and soon found herself walking by Rei. "How do you do." The bunny girl asked flatly. When the only response she received was a glare, she shrugged and turned to whip a stray Angel (Armisael, 16th Angel, who killed Rei II).

"So what became of Gendo, er, I mean, the Duchess?" Asuka asked. She was sort of curious about what happened to the embryo clutching man.

"He called the Queen a useless no good loser, and came late too, so the Queen said-"Rei was interrupted by the Queen screaming for everyone to get to their places. They had arrived at a huge sprawling golf course.

There Asuka was given a miniature Lance of Loginus in red while the Queen had a purple one. The ball they used looked very much like an S2 engine. (I know, you people are going, get on with it! We don't need all these Evangelion references!) A couple of Angels joined them on the course, but the Queen began shouting "OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!" all the time.

Asuka was beginning to feel uneasy here. Just as she was looking for an escape route (sound familiar? Refer back to chapter one), who should appear but Kaworu? He politely asked after her health, which caused Asuka to growl at him (at last! Someone is slightly in character!). Then, he asked, "How do you find the Queen?"

"I think he's a –insert VERY bad words-"Asuka yelled.

Unfortunately, the Queen heard. "Why you-"

Just as she was about to use her famous phrase, the King waddled (hint hint) over to where Kaworu was. "I don't like this cat."

The Queen's attention immediately shifted to the Angel-turned-into-human-form-dressed-in-a-Cheshire-Cat-costume. "OFF WITH HIS HEAD!"

Kaworu grinned his trademark grin, and then started to run away humming Beethoven's 9th Symphony. Everyone chased after him. After running around for a while (Asuka got bored and fell asleep), they came to a halt. "Let's ask that girl to settle this!" The King declared. So everyone came over to Asuka and kicked her until she woke up. Now, anyone with an ounce of a brain would know that kicking the Second Child is NOT wise. So a little bit later, with bruises everywhere, they begged Asuka for guidance.

"It's that Duchess's cat, so go find him and have him deal with it!" She told them irritably.

Quickly, Arael (15th Angel) ran, uh, flew off to fetch Gendo from the dungeons where he was muttering about Third Impact and the Dead Sea Scrolls and feeding Adam LCL while singing a lullaby (…No comment - -;).

So Asuka sat back down and watched as Shinji in a red dress and Pen-Pen with an oversized crown with the Angels in tow ran around trying to catch Kaworu, who was now singing Ode to Joy. 'When I get back, I'll start carrying DA Revolvers around' Asuka promised herself silently.

To Be Continued…

Author's Note: This chapter is long and really bad, but live with it people. Summer Break is finally here! I feel so good! Okay, now that that's out of my system, I really should write more. Yes, Pen-Pen came back from the realm of the dead. The Angels are representing the cards. Everyone is somewhere deep in the OOC universe. Oh well. Four chapters left. Review!


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